COMMANDER / ENGINE ENTHUSIAST
Torque
First ferret on Mars. Last ferret you should leave with a socket set. Describes every engine noise as “probably fine”.
“It’s not broken. It’s more interesting now.”✦ WTAF INTERPLANETARY DIVISION / EST. IN A BAD IDEA
Small paws.
Red planet.
Big problems.
Welcome to the only ferret colony on Mars. Three pioneers, one stolen rover, and a supervisor who is literally an eraser.
We colonize. We play. We panic. Entirely fictional. Mostly ferret.
Bring socks.
BARELY
CONTROLLED
CHAOS. SOCKS. SCIENCE. SNACKS. ✦ EARTH CALLED. WE HID THE PHONE. ✦ CHAOS. SOCKS. SCIENCE. SNACKS. ✦
01 / HABITAT OBSERVATION
Nothing to see here.
That’s a stolen sock.
A tiny window into the least organised outpost in the solar system. No actual animals. No actual Mars. Quite a lot of attitude.
SIMULATED FEEDCAM 03 / SOCK STORAGE
SOCKS ARE NOT
A CURRENCY.— managementSOL 042 · DOMESTIC DISPUTE PROBABLE
A CURRENCY.— managementSOL 042 · DOMESTIC DISPUTE PROBABLE
Torque has discovered the rover’s warranty. He is eating it.
02 / THE DEPARTMENT OF QUESTIONABLE PHYSICS
Less gravity.
More nonsense.
Mars pulls less. Ferrets still refuse to listen. Set your test subject and let our deeply underqualified computer do the rest.
RESULTS / PEER REVIEWED BY SPANNER
1.21mTHEORETICAL VERTICAL HOP
10IMAGINARY SOCK CAPACITY
A 1.2 kg ferret weighs about 4.45 N on Mars. Its ego remains several tonnes.
The tiny bit of actual physics
Using constant launch speed 3 m/s and Mars gravity 3.71 m/s²: hop height = v²/(2g) ≈ 1.21 m, about 2.64 times the equivalent Earth hop. Mass changes weight (mass × gravity), not this idealised height. The tunnel’s sock count is invented: floor(length ÷ 1.2). No drag, suit or animal behaviour is modelled. A comedy illustration, not animal care or jump advice.
03 / CLASSIC CARS VS MARTIAN DUST
British engineering.
Alien dust. Same breakdown.
The slowest race in the solar system. No roads, no petrol station, and your mechanic has just fallen asleep in the air filter.
DUST LEVEL: 0%MARS MOTORWAY / NO REFUNDS
Choose a classic. Sacrifice its resale value.
04 / IS THIS A GOOD IDEA?
Should the ferrets
drive the Mars rover?
Your vote stays in this browser. No public totals. No competent candidates.
USELESS / CHIEF OF ALMOST NOTHING
Mission control.
Control optional.
SOCKS MISSINGToo many
FERRET MORALEChaotic neutral
TUNNEL BUDGET£0.00
SUPERVISOROn a break
Fictional status board · automatically updated by nobody qualified.
The last audit was buried in a tunnel.
IN CASE OF ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING
There is a button.
You know why.
Safety catch removed by a ferret. Obviously.
THE THREE-PAW LEADERSHIP TEAM
Meet the suspects.
Nobody remembers hiring them. Nobody can find the paperwork. Somebody has eaten the paperwork.
CHIEF MECHANIC / SOCK SUSPECT
Spanner
Can fix a rover using three bolts and a biscuit. Cannot explain why all the left socks are in the fuel tank.
“Was like that when I found it.”ACTING ADULT / ACTUAL MENACE
Mrs Wiggles
Runs a very strict colony. Has issued 47 disciplinary notices. Every single one was for touching her sock.
“I have a clipboard. This is not a discussion.”MISSION SOUVENIRS / EARTH DELIVERY
Take the nonsense
home with you.
Three original digital extras from the colony. Available now in the ReallyByte shop. No actual ferrets will arrive in the post.
01 / PRINTABLE MISSION PACK
The Colony Survival Dossier
Eight pages of dubious induction, incident reports, sock investigations, mission prompts and a wildly undeserved certificate.
Inspect the contents
Illustrated cover, induction briefing, crew assignment, missing sock case file, daily mission log, 12 emergency scenario cards, survival checklist and personalised paper certificate. A4 printable PDF. Personal use.
02 / BLUEPRINTS FOR BAD IDEAS
Spanner’s Tunnel Planning Kit
Design Socktopia with a cut-and-arrange colony map, blueprint grid, facility tiles and catastrophically bad planning permissions.
Inspect the contents
Six pages: field instructions, printable blueprint grid, 16 room tiles, 12 incident cards, budget and risk planner, plus the colony sign sheet. A4 printable PDF. Fictional paper activity, not construction advice.
03 / RETRO SPACE TRAVEL PRINTS
Greetings from Socktopia
Three illustrated travel posters advertising the least advisable holiday in the solar system. Bring socks. Leave expectations.
Inspect the contents
Three A4 illustrated print designs: Visit Socktopia; Rover Breakdown Club; and Department of Missing Socks. Print at home or through your preferred print service. Digital PDF, personal use, no physical prints.
THE EARTH SHOP IS OPEN
More ReallyByte. Less sensible.
Shop the colony downloads on ReallyByte or browse the Ferrets on Mars Etsy section.
GIFTS FROM THE RED PLANET
Earth gifts.
Martian mischief.
The colony is preparing a range of Ferrets on Mars gifts for the ReallyByte Etsy shop. Physical products are coming soon.
COLONY GIFT DEPARTMENT / PREPARING FOR LAUNCH
For people who appreciate questionable space missions.
Keep an eye on our Ferrets on Mars Etsy section for new gifts as they land. In the meantime, explore the colony's printable downloads there.
Explore Ferrets on Mars on EtsyKEEP THE AIRLOCK OPEN
Fuel the nonsense.
This colony runs on imagination, snacks and the occasional missing screw. Enjoyed your visit? Optional support helps ReallyByte make more peculiar little corners of the internet.
The cam, games and experiments stay free. Support is for this creative project, not a charity or a real space mission.
YOUR COMPLETELY UNQUALIFIED SUPERVISOR
Need assistance?
That’s unfortunate.
Useless has reviewed the mission and would like to be excluded from the minutes.